"Standing - frozen in the life I've chosen. You won't find me, the past is so behind me. Buried in the snow Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore"

A mini “highlight reel…”

Disney 2005

I am at the college showcase with Soccerplus. We are playing at the Wild World of Sports.  Every college scout from my dream school is at this game. I combine with one my teammates. She plays a perfect ball in the air, into the box.  Everything freezes. I do a bicycle kick. I hit the ball just right.  I’m on the ground watching the ball roll into the back of the net.  I let it go.. My arms are in the air and my teammates are rushing to me.

Florida Southern 2008

We are in overtime against St. Leo; a team that Florida Southern has NEVER beaten before. It is 2-2.  I am dribbling in their attacking half. Our midfielder, Christina Crooks plays a perfect ball to our attacking midfielder, Erin Hopkins who is making an attacking run into the box. Erin back heels the ball to our forward, Princess Haley.  Princess strikes the ball. I stand there frozen, everything stops around me, and every thing is quiet. Then that ball goes upper 90 and hits the back of the net.  We let it go.  We won the game and the coaches, fans and alumni crash the field!!

Soccerplus CT Reds 2009

We are playing the Boston Aztecs at home. I am playing with a giant cast on a broken arm. It is 1-1.  I make a run in behind the back 4, a perfect ball is played, and the Aztec goalkeeper is coming out to meet me… I am running but everything freezes. Instead of shooting I cut the ball back one touch to our forward who now has a wide open net. The ball hits the back of the net and we let it go in celebration.

Boston Aztecs/Boston Breakers 2010

 I am at Harvard training with the Breaker Reserves.  At the end of the training the assistant coach of the Breakers comes up to me. “Can you stay and train with the Breakers” I freeze.  I can’t speak. All I can do is nod. My heart is so full and feels like it is going to fall out.  “Go with Jenny to get practice gear.” I am still frozen. I can’t believe it. I am walking to the locker room just looking down and Jenny says to me “Are you ok?” “Breath!!” She hands me the training gear. I am in the locker room. “Stay here for a second, take a deep breath, and come out when you are ready” A dream come true.. I am about to train with a team and players I dreamed about playing with since I was 12. I am all geared up, look in the mirror, take a deep breath and I let it go!!

 Finland 2011

We are playing away.  I combine with a teammate; our central midfielder Linda Nyman chips a perfect ball into the box for me to run on to. The goalkeeper is coming out. The ball is bouncing. Everything freezes… I chip the goalkeeper. My adrenaline is pumping as I watch the ball hit the back of the net. I let it go!! My arms are up in celebration as my teammates tackle me!!

Tyreso 2013

The Tyreso TikiTaka Camp included the most amazing staff that you could ever imagine, including the A players themselves; Marta, Seger, Vero, Press, Dala, Meghan, Line, Sempan, etc. I directed this camp. My vision came to life.  The first day everyone is lined up, the kids are in the stands, the excitement is outrageous. They have been given the opportunity to train with the best female soccer players in the world first hand!! We head to the small field, 12 staff coaches, 18 A team world class players and 150 campers. I am frozen in the moment. All eyes on me, everyone has a ball, I have a ball. I let it go!!

I am about to coach U12 boy’s team in Vendelso.  Borje (my boss at TikiTaka) meets me at the field. “How would you like to play for Tyreso?” Frozen again, just nodding my head. “I would love that.” To be apart of the best team and club in the world and have the opportunity to train with the best players in the world was beyond my wildest dreams.  I ran the session in Vendelso with Tyreso on my mind. I go on the bus still “Frozen” but so full at the same time. I call Borje and tell him “Thank you! I just can’t believe it.”

Djurgarden 2014

We are playing at home at beautiful Stockholm’s Stadion.  It is my first start in the Elitettan. We are playing against Alta and Melanie; my little sister is there to watch.  It is the first half. We win the ball in the final third.  I have the ball at my feet, the space opens up and I take it. I strike the ball with my left foot. Everything freezes, my heart stops, the ball goes upper 90 and hits the back of the net.  I let it go. I am running in celebration with my arms in the air and Melanie got see it!! It was a moment of complete joy.

The Frozen Moment

 I recently took a spontaneous trip to Frankfurt Germany to visit Vero and watch her play in Champions league. It was such a great weekend!!! On the way back I had a 6-hour layover in Paris. I decided to go into the city. I take the train and when I step off the train I am “Frozen” again by what I saw.  I was looking at Notre Dame. This structure made my heart stop. I was in complete awe; I had never seen anything like it… 

I could go on and on about these “Frozen moments” I have experienced.  Many of these moments happen outside the lines as well.   Maybe it is a new crush. Maybe you have met someone so great they “freeze” you and are searching for words. It can be when you are meeting someone new or the moment before you tell someone you love them for the first time. It could be a building, a place, a team, a person, an artist, a song, a selfless act, a conversation, or any beauty that makes you stop in complete awe because of the greatness and beauty it possesses.

 That frozen moment before something great is about to happen is what I live for.  It is that moment before... Where everything gets quiet…   In soccer for me, that frozen moment comes right before the whistle blows to start the game, when the ball hits the back of the net, when arms are in the air in celebration and that rush of my team and the crowd.   It is almost like everything gets quiet, and you are thinking about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary. These moments make you feel alive.   

I can be so amazed by many things.  When that happens it is like I see nothing else. So, just like in the movie Frozen do not be afraid to “Let it Go” take the chance and jump into something great!!

Jack Sparrow: "True enough, this compass does not point north." Elizabeth Swan "...Where does it point?" Jack Sparrow: "It points to the thing you want most in this world."

It is 2am, I cant sleep so I turn on the TV and one of my favorite movies is playing; Pirates of the Caribbean. The Curse of the Black Pearl.

This tale, this legend involves the famous pirate Captain Jack Sparrow and a young black smith Will Turner.  Together they set off to save the love of Will’s life; Elizabeth Swan as well as recapture the Black Pearl and recover the treasure that Jack seeks. 

When I turned the TV on Jack and Will are facing a storm, chasing after the Black Pearl. Through the wind, rain, and waves Jack is looking at his compass, a compass that doesn’t point north.

Will Turner: How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?

Mr. Gibbs: Aye, the compass doesn't point North. But we're not trying to find North, are we?

Watching this scene I thought where does my compass point? What is the thing I want most in this world? So at 2 in the morning watching Captain Jack Sparrow head into the direction of what he wants most I started to draw my own compass and this past weekend this compass I drew became my first tattoo. 

The compass meaning.

Compass: A compass provides direction and guidance. 

Nordic Star: The star symbolizes hope, guidance, aspiration and dreams.

Anchor: The anchor symbolized a sailor who has crossed the Atlantic Ocean. It depicts their love for the sea, along with hope, love and strength.

The Arrows:

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming.

Sparrow: The sparrow is actually the same sparrow Johnny Dept (Captain Jack Sparrow) has on his arm.  It symbolizes freedom, bound by no rules or boundaries. Even with this symbolization of freedom this bird also acts as a guide back home. You will never be lost.

Tro Hopp Karlek: These words are placed around my compass and they mean Believe, Hope and Love in Swedish. 

XII, III, and IV: The numbers represent the numbers on a clock.

My Meaning

I don’t know what direction I am heading in or what will come my way but I am in the search for what I want most.

I feel everyone holds a light; this light can give people hope.  It is a light towards a dream, towards something bigger than myself and I hope this Nordic star can guide me.

I did not cross the Atlantic on a boat but I have crossed the Atlantic and been on a great adventure.  I have a love for the sea, the ocean, etc.  I think the Sea has a great healing power both physically and mentally.

I placed the sparrow in the Northeast of the tattoo because that is where I come from in the US. I value my freedom and I live without boundaries but when I am lost I can always find the place where I came from.

I wrote believe, hope and love in Swedish because I have lived in Sweden now for three years and I want it to represent my time here. I can speak the language fluently. I think it is beautiful…

 If you really look at the star you can see that it is broken. The parts that are in black are a bit empty. The tattoo artist told me if would be better if I filled those parts fully because in time the tattoo will become smaller and the black will fill in on its own and it will be whole. To me, that was perfect!! There are holes I need to fill and things I want to achieve and in time I will be full.

You never know how much time you have. I am in search of something and don’t know where my compass points. I am in search of believing in something, in search of finding hope, in search of love.  At times I have found these things, lost these things and I am continuing to search.

I have had struggles. I have had difficulties and I have also had some of the greatest experiences and experienced such happiness. I feel like when that feeling comes it is almost to good to be true… Now I am in a new search. I want to shoot myself into that direction I seek and am ready to launch into something great!

Jack Sparrow: "True enough, this compass does not point north."

Elizabeth Swan "...Where does it point?"

Jack Sparrow: "It points to the thing you want most in this world."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNkuE5p3-pA 

"A joy that is shared is a joy made double" English proverb

One of my best friends is 80 years old… Her name is Joanne.  Joanne has known me since before I was born. She babysat my mom and then my self as well as every one of my siblings. 

She was there for me when I was sick and I knew her as the “water lady” Every time she came over she would make sure that I had water. If I didn’t she would bring me a giant cup and say, “Drink your water. It will save your life.” To be honest I think it did. I hated it and I hated water but I really do think it was a big factor in my survival.

Joanne lives right next to a soccer field. I would run to the field, train and then go visit her after. She would tell me that it was “too hot to play” or “I train to much” and then make me sit down next to her and drink a “big glass of water” as well as make me eat. Every time I go over there she wants to give me something of hers whether it is a small gesture of food or literally something from her wardrobe. I think she would give me her left arm if she could.  She is the most generous and best person I have ever met.

We talk about anything and everything. When I go over and visit I know I will be there for at least 2 hours and I enjoy every second of it.

When Meghan died I had a really hard time. I started to become really homesick.. On top of that that the club I was coaching for screwed me over $1000.. I had worked my ass of for that money and did not get very much to say the least. So I had nothing.

 I was thinking of quitting playing and I missed my family. My family was struggling with a lot then, financially and other things. I did not want to add my sorrows onto their shoulders as well.

Joanne called me. I was sitting outside on this bench and I told her about Meghan and that I wanted to quit playing and drop out of school. My grades were bad, soccer did not feel right and I just felt horrible. She asked me if I missed my family.. I said yes. She asked, “Do they know?” I said “no.” I was crying quite hysterically at this point and she gave me some of the best advice I could get. “TELL THEM. TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL. They miss you to. It will be ok.”

I told them and went home for Easter and it was the best thing for me; to go home and to see the people I love. Then it also made me realize how much I loved Florida and that I need to straighten out. My grades went up but soccer still didn’t feel the same. Not until I met Tracy Jones at soccerplus (another conversation that had a major impact on my life)

Last week I received some extremely sad news.  Joanne’s daughter has Parkinson’s disease; she passed away at a young age. My heart broke..

I called Joanne and when she picked up the phone and said hello I could hear and feel this extreme sadness that I have never felt from her and then she heard that it was me on the other line and that sadness turned into this extreme joy.. It was like I took this sadness from her, even if it was just for just for a second. It took everything in me not to start crying on the phone. This call just gave her so much joy. She was so happy to talk to me. A simple phone call…  I am one of her joys. She is mine.

I have my last game with Tyreso today. There is so much I have to thank them for.. I found my soccer joy. When I play I want to spread that. I want people to come watch me play so I can be the reason to make a difference, to make someone happy. To be a joy.. So many bad things happen everyday all around the world.. But then you have moments, moments of joy. Cherish these moments and spread it.

"Just Keep Swimming" Doris

In July I had the honor to bring a very special elite group of girls from Tyreso to the Gothia Cup! The Gothia Cup is literally the youth world cup. We were chosen to be in Girls 17 elite, the best in the tournament.

Our group stage we faced the best of the best; PSG from France, St. Gabriel from Spain and Hovas Bildas from Sweden

We made it to the B quarterfinals and faced Eskilstuna united. 

I love these games “win or go home” In my pre-game speech I wrote four things on the board. 

TECHNICAL

TACTICAL

PHYSICAL

DORIS!!

In this part of the season, in this part of the tournament, it is not about the technical, it is not about the tactical, it is not about the physical, it is about who is willing to go that extra inch, to give everything they have, to sacrifice for the team. It is about having the courage to take the risk and having the heart to go all the way. Everyone has the technical, tactical and even physical but what separates the good from the great is what you have inside…

DORIS

Doris (aka Dory from finding Nemo) is my favorite character and to me she is the smartest character maybe ever created. When something bad happens she thinks about it, forgets in the next second and “just keeps swimming” When something good happens, she forgets and “just keeps swimming”

If we score a goal we celebrate but then we have to let it go, “just keep swimming” and focus on the next task. If we get scored on we need to regroup and “just keep swimming” and get that goal back.

When we got to the field and started warming up. The focus my players had was incredible. That went for every single player, whether they were starting or not. The game started and we completely dominated; the soccer, fight and play itself was out of this world and probably one of the best youth soccer games I have ever seen.

We had chance after chance but couldn’t find the back of the net. In the second half Eskilstuna got a breakaway and put it away. Every one of my players heads went down and I started screaming from the sideline “DORIS, DORIS, DORIS” They looked at me smiled and “just kept swimming”

They continued to attack, continued to fight… The final whistle blew it was still 0-1 and my players collapsed. Almost everyone was crying. We helped each other up went into the locker room. I looked around and I was about to cry myself, not because we lost but because I have never been so proud to be apart of this special group, this special team. I have never been so proud to wear Tyreso on my chest. In my eyes we won that game. We left that field and the Gothia Cup as a CHAMPION.

So whether something bad happens or doesn’t go your way on or off the field you have to pick yourself up and always “JUST KEEP SWIMMING"

"Risk Being Seen" Jim Carrey

“Risk being seen” What does it mean to “Risk being seen?”  What does it mean to let someone in or to share your story?  Everyone has a story. Everyone has a past that makes them into who they are today.  I am always interested in people. I genially like to hear where people have been, what they have seen, where they want to go. I like “seeing” people. 

Me, myself in some ways I “Risk Being Seen” in other ways I hide.  I don’t want people to know my past, or see my weaknesses. In that way I don’t want to be “seen” In this blog you are going to “see” a different side. If you don’t want to see, stop reading. 

One day I will write a book.  I have given out many sneak peaks of my story and shared different parts with very few people, even in this blog.  (88% will always be special to me)

We did a fitness test today with Djurgarden.  They wanted to test our VO2 Max.  This test consists of an athlete running on a treadmill with a mask on that is attached to the computer. You are breathing into the mask while running as long as you can while the computer keeps track of and measures all your levels.

 When I heard about the test I looked around and to everyone else it is just another fitness test but to me it freaked me out.  I have done this test before… I never thought I would do it again…

When I was 10 I got sick. I coughed for two years straight, I had a fire in my throat, a stabbing pain in my stomach and lost a lot of weight and my lungs were damaged. No one could figure it out to say the least.  

I was sent to Boston Children’s hospital and the nightmare began. I was put through similar tests but then things started to change in Boston. I was being treated really differently…

 I remember my Dad would leave the room to shower and right when he left six or seven doctors would come in turn off the only thing that was helping me breath and antagonize me.  I would start coughing when they turned the machine off and couldn’t answer but they just kept asking questions and would not let me answer.  My dad would come in and then they would back away and say “She is coming along” I was to weak to say anything and pass out from complete exhaustion.

They started sending me out of they room so they could just talk to my parents; I would be alone in the waiting room.  My cough sounded so bad that even if it was a packed room everyone would get up and move as far away as possible from me.

They started sending me to psychiatrists, asking me if my parents were telling me to cough and asking if they were feeding me, asking me if I was faking it… They did not believe me!!! They thought it was in my head!!  How could I fake this??  I tried and tried to stop myself from coughing but it never stopped.  I would imagined in my head that the pain in my chest and stomach to go away. I just wanted it all to go away but it never did.  Every psychiatrist said the same thing to the Boston doctors “its physical not mental” but they just keep sending me to more.  

The treadmill test (VO2 max) was one I had some nightmares about after.  There are things I have blocked out but occasionally it will come back. I was 11 at this point. I could not breath as it was and I was attached to this mask and was forced to run.  They were yelling. I can’t remember what they were yelling, all I remember is I was in so much pain and I collapsed. I asked my mom today what happened when I collapsed and I was rushed to receive a treatment.

So much has happened…

I was seriously contemplating not taking this test today but I really thought about it and I told myself I am going to face my fear of this and break free from it. I want to take this head on.  I stepped up, and when the mask was put on me I felt all the muscles in my body tense but then as I started running I thought to myself I can do this. I am not going to let this get the best of me.  I did really well and when I jumped off and collapsed in the chair it was like this giant weight lifted and I really conquered something.  I looked at the machine and thought I did it! I beat it!

On the subway to the test I was shaking.  Again I am good at hiding in front of people.  This whole thing may seem small and stupid but it was a big thing for me today. No one knew this fear of mine but I figured if I was going to do it, it’s nice having your teammates there. The ones that were there did not know how much support they were…

I hide sometimes. I don’t want to be weak, cause commotion, drag anyone down but I am human. I say things I shouldn’t and make mistakes but that is how you learn.  All I know is now I am done hiding. 

Here is just another piece of my past…

I have been restrained. I have been electrocuted. I have been tied down. I have tried to punch a doctor. I have been outnumbered. I have been forcefully locked up in this glass box. I have collapsed on the treadmill.  I have been gassed.  I have stopped breathing. I have had tubes and all sorts of needles forcefully inserted all over my body. I have been stabbed 11 times throughout 3 surgeries. You would think I have been in a war…

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After the surgeries I was on my way to recovery but I would wake up with my heart racing, night sweats and even screaming.. I go into a doctors office and a hospital and I am terrified, my heart races, and its like I can see myself back where I was especially if I am there alone.   One time a doctor came at me with a small tube that was just for Oxygen in my nose and I nearly hit him. I don’t trust anyone in the medical field besides one doctor.

I got help for this a long time ago but it comes back every once in a great while. I had a flashback recently actually… Melanie my little sister was visiting and I jumped out of bed. She jumps up to and asked what was wrong.  I didn’t know what to tell her so I just said “I have a dream” and she said, ”Ok Martin Luther King go back to sleep.” I thought that was funny and it helped me.

After doing this test today I realized how strong I am and can be.  I ask the players I coach “How strong are you really?” I know you have a lot more. How far can you go? What will you learn about yourself today?  You are capable of so much more than you think.

Today, to most people this test was just another fitness test but TODAY for me was a day I looked at something that has terrified me and I faced it. I beat it!  The past is in the past but it has also made me who I am. I did it!! I can breath! I am strong! I have this fire! I have beaten this!! This is me.  Now I have an opportunity to not hide anymore but to “Risk being seen” and LIVE!!!