"Just Keep Swimming" Doris

In July I had the honor to bring a very special elite group of girls from Tyreso to the Gothia Cup! The Gothia Cup is literally the youth world cup. We were chosen to be in Girls 17 elite, the best in the tournament.

Our group stage we faced the best of the best; PSG from France, St. Gabriel from Spain and Hovas Bildas from Sweden

We made it to the B quarterfinals and faced Eskilstuna united. 

I love these games “win or go home” In my pre-game speech I wrote four things on the board. 

TECHNICAL

TACTICAL

PHYSICAL

DORIS!!

In this part of the season, in this part of the tournament, it is not about the technical, it is not about the tactical, it is not about the physical, it is about who is willing to go that extra inch, to give everything they have, to sacrifice for the team. It is about having the courage to take the risk and having the heart to go all the way. Everyone has the technical, tactical and even physical but what separates the good from the great is what you have inside…

DORIS

Doris (aka Dory from finding Nemo) is my favorite character and to me she is the smartest character maybe ever created. When something bad happens she thinks about it, forgets in the next second and “just keeps swimming” When something good happens, she forgets and “just keeps swimming”

If we score a goal we celebrate but then we have to let it go, “just keep swimming” and focus on the next task. If we get scored on we need to regroup and “just keep swimming” and get that goal back.

When we got to the field and started warming up. The focus my players had was incredible. That went for every single player, whether they were starting or not. The game started and we completely dominated; the soccer, fight and play itself was out of this world and probably one of the best youth soccer games I have ever seen.

We had chance after chance but couldn’t find the back of the net. In the second half Eskilstuna got a breakaway and put it away. Every one of my players heads went down and I started screaming from the sideline “DORIS, DORIS, DORIS” They looked at me smiled and “just kept swimming”

They continued to attack, continued to fight… The final whistle blew it was still 0-1 and my players collapsed. Almost everyone was crying. We helped each other up went into the locker room. I looked around and I was about to cry myself, not because we lost but because I have never been so proud to be apart of this special group, this special team. I have never been so proud to wear Tyreso on my chest. In my eyes we won that game. We left that field and the Gothia Cup as a CHAMPION.

So whether something bad happens or doesn’t go your way on or off the field you have to pick yourself up and always “JUST KEEP SWIMMING"

"Risk Being Seen" Jim Carrey

“Risk being seen” What does it mean to “Risk being seen?”  What does it mean to let someone in or to share your story?  Everyone has a story. Everyone has a past that makes them into who they are today.  I am always interested in people. I genially like to hear where people have been, what they have seen, where they want to go. I like “seeing” people. 

Me, myself in some ways I “Risk Being Seen” in other ways I hide.  I don’t want people to know my past, or see my weaknesses. In that way I don’t want to be “seen” In this blog you are going to “see” a different side. If you don’t want to see, stop reading. 

One day I will write a book.  I have given out many sneak peaks of my story and shared different parts with very few people, even in this blog.  (88% will always be special to me)

We did a fitness test today with Djurgarden.  They wanted to test our VO2 Max.  This test consists of an athlete running on a treadmill with a mask on that is attached to the computer. You are breathing into the mask while running as long as you can while the computer keeps track of and measures all your levels.

 When I heard about the test I looked around and to everyone else it is just another fitness test but to me it freaked me out.  I have done this test before… I never thought I would do it again…

When I was 10 I got sick. I coughed for two years straight, I had a fire in my throat, a stabbing pain in my stomach and lost a lot of weight and my lungs were damaged. No one could figure it out to say the least.  

I was sent to Boston Children’s hospital and the nightmare began. I was put through similar tests but then things started to change in Boston. I was being treated really differently…

 I remember my Dad would leave the room to shower and right when he left six or seven doctors would come in turn off the only thing that was helping me breath and antagonize me.  I would start coughing when they turned the machine off and couldn’t answer but they just kept asking questions and would not let me answer.  My dad would come in and then they would back away and say “She is coming along” I was to weak to say anything and pass out from complete exhaustion.

They started sending me out of they room so they could just talk to my parents; I would be alone in the waiting room.  My cough sounded so bad that even if it was a packed room everyone would get up and move as far away as possible from me.

They started sending me to psychiatrists, asking me if my parents were telling me to cough and asking if they were feeding me, asking me if I was faking it… They did not believe me!!! They thought it was in my head!!  How could I fake this??  I tried and tried to stop myself from coughing but it never stopped.  I would imagined in my head that the pain in my chest and stomach to go away. I just wanted it all to go away but it never did.  Every psychiatrist said the same thing to the Boston doctors “its physical not mental” but they just keep sending me to more.  

The treadmill test (VO2 max) was one I had some nightmares about after.  There are things I have blocked out but occasionally it will come back. I was 11 at this point. I could not breath as it was and I was attached to this mask and was forced to run.  They were yelling. I can’t remember what they were yelling, all I remember is I was in so much pain and I collapsed. I asked my mom today what happened when I collapsed and I was rushed to receive a treatment.

So much has happened…

I was seriously contemplating not taking this test today but I really thought about it and I told myself I am going to face my fear of this and break free from it. I want to take this head on.  I stepped up, and when the mask was put on me I felt all the muscles in my body tense but then as I started running I thought to myself I can do this. I am not going to let this get the best of me.  I did really well and when I jumped off and collapsed in the chair it was like this giant weight lifted and I really conquered something.  I looked at the machine and thought I did it! I beat it!

On the subway to the test I was shaking.  Again I am good at hiding in front of people.  This whole thing may seem small and stupid but it was a big thing for me today. No one knew this fear of mine but I figured if I was going to do it, it’s nice having your teammates there. The ones that were there did not know how much support they were…

I hide sometimes. I don’t want to be weak, cause commotion, drag anyone down but I am human. I say things I shouldn’t and make mistakes but that is how you learn.  All I know is now I am done hiding. 

Here is just another piece of my past…

I have been restrained. I have been electrocuted. I have been tied down. I have tried to punch a doctor. I have been outnumbered. I have been forcefully locked up in this glass box. I have collapsed on the treadmill.  I have been gassed.  I have stopped breathing. I have had tubes and all sorts of needles forcefully inserted all over my body. I have been stabbed 11 times throughout 3 surgeries. You would think I have been in a war…

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After the surgeries I was on my way to recovery but I would wake up with my heart racing, night sweats and even screaming.. I go into a doctors office and a hospital and I am terrified, my heart races, and its like I can see myself back where I was especially if I am there alone.   One time a doctor came at me with a small tube that was just for Oxygen in my nose and I nearly hit him. I don’t trust anyone in the medical field besides one doctor.

I got help for this a long time ago but it comes back every once in a great while. I had a flashback recently actually… Melanie my little sister was visiting and I jumped out of bed. She jumps up to and asked what was wrong.  I didn’t know what to tell her so I just said “I have a dream” and she said, ”Ok Martin Luther King go back to sleep.” I thought that was funny and it helped me.

After doing this test today I realized how strong I am and can be.  I ask the players I coach “How strong are you really?” I know you have a lot more. How far can you go? What will you learn about yourself today?  You are capable of so much more than you think.

Today, to most people this test was just another fitness test but TODAY for me was a day I looked at something that has terrified me and I faced it. I beat it!  The past is in the past but it has also made me who I am. I did it!! I can breath! I am strong! I have this fire! I have beaten this!! This is me.  Now I have an opportunity to not hide anymore but to “Risk being seen” and LIVE!!!

“Här och Nu”

Thoughts.  A typical workday includes: morning session, gym, social media/marketing/planning, Training, night session.

I started to realize that at each session I would be thinking about the next session or how the previous one went. I am at training thinking about new drills and how to make certain situations with in the game simple for my players.  Sometimes I come up with new ideas and sessions at the strangest times.  I have created so much, especially this year.  Sometimes I don’t know where it comes from but it is so much fun to create and learn.  My mind is constantly going.  I am seeing the game in a very different way now and the development in all of my players and teams have been so much fun to see.   Every single thing we do in practice has been translated to games.

The only problem is I am looking forward too much.  I am constantly evaluating my past and looking how to create a future.  That is good and there is a time to learn from the past and then leave it. There is also time to look to the future and dream and hope but what I am forgetting is the now, the present…

I am now playing for Djurgården IF.  It is extremely professional. The morale within the team is incredible.   All my teammates are very talented and each brings special qualities that make us strong! During a recent team meeting my coach said something that hit me.  He said “Här och Nu” “Here and now” The past is in the past and the future has not arrived.  The only thing that really matters is here and now. I have heard words like this before but it was just the kick I needed.  I am thinking too much of what I have to do, of what has happened, of what has not yet come. I have not given 100% of myself every time. My mind could be 70% on the field, 10% on my upcoming coaching tasks, and 30% on family or friends.  Since the talk I had training and every time a thought came into my head that has nothing to do with the present I threw it out. “Här och Nu” Even with friends or family I am so lucky to have them all in my life and when I am with them they deserve my all “Här och Nu” So whether at the moment, I am coaching, playing or with my friends or family they will get my all both here and now! “Här och Nu”

“I Got It”

Six years ago my mom called me all upset because my brother had just informed her that he wanted to join the Military.  She told me that I had to call him and talk him out of it.  We did not want him to join because the thought be anything happening to him is too much to bear…

I am older and I think I can fight him and talk him out of it... I called him and we talked for over an hour.  I said things like, “this is not a video game; there is no reset button.”

 Another perk about being in the Military is that they pay for your education. I told him don’t worry about money. You can take out loans. Money is just paper, sometimes-electronic paper, and sometimes-negative paper but all and all it means nothing…  

Ben said to me, “I want to be apart of something greater than myself. I want to make a difference and I know in the army I can do just that!” I was quiet for a second letting those words sink in and I told him he should join. He was doing this for the right reasons but what he doesn’t know is that he is already great…

My brother Ben, the military policeman in the National Guard who has severed Springfield during the tornados, been in New York during the hurricanes, experienced the floods out on the cape, the power outages of New England and was there for the horrific Boston Bombings.

Freedom does not come free… It comes at a price… A price of a brother, son, uncle, boyfriend, grandson, friend…

 It is 6 years later from that phone call and now my brother is getting deployed.  His unit will be going to Cuba to the prison, Guantanamo bay.  They had a deployment ceremony for all the soldiers on this mission this past Saturday. 

One of the officers spoke and said something that really hit me. He looked over to all the families in the stands and said that when the soldiers are deployed they are a family and when someone says, “I got it” you can be 100% sure that they got it and you do not have to worry.  They can have full faith and trust in the person next to them.   It is the one place where you know that the person next to you “has it”

The hardest thing for a soldier when they return home is when they hear family, friends, colleagues, etc. say, “I got it” but don’t have it... Whether it is a small thing at work or a broken promise from a family member or friend. The officer said when your son or daughter comes home and you say to them “I got it” make sure you do because in the army it has another meeting.

Of course this made me think of my family, my friends, soccer, my life.  “I got it” When I say “I got this”, make a promise, say I am going to give it my all, say I will be there for a friend, family member or teammate whether it be on or off the field, I will be there! 

I will not see Ben in over a year but, my family and I are extremely proud of him and I know he will be back safe from an incredible adventure.  He has it!

I am writing this on the plane to Sweden right now.  New adventures and new opportunities as a player and a coach await me in just about 6 hours.  I do not know what the future await but all I know is that “I got it”

"They tell me I'm too young to understand.. They say I'm caught up in a dream"

Change. Opportunity. Happiness. That is what these past two months have brought me.  I started off July with an incredible vacation with the most amazing people I know. I explored Gothenburg, went to a concert, and spent an incredible week on the west coast just eating seafood, enjoying the sun, enjoying my friends, boating,  and living the good life!!

 

 The dream vacation was over but the dream continued and just got better. I have transferred teams and I am now playing for Tyreso DFF.  Tyreso is a fantastic club and I am honored to be apart of it. I’m enjoying every second and I finally feel like I am in a place where I  don’t want to be anywhere else. The environment and the culture here is my fit.   

As for TikiTaka, I don’t even know where to start.  My first project back from vacation was to direct the first ever Tyreso Football TikiTaka Academy.  It was the biggest camp I have ever run and the staff I had was out of this world. It was an amazing experience and I loved being apart of and having the say in every aspect it took to make the camp successful. I was in charge of 150 kids, 12 staff coaches and I also had all the players from the A team; Tyreso FF. 

The first day of camp the kids and parents sat in the stands and they saw my 12 staff coaches, Peter, Tony, the whole A team and I.  You could not ask for a better picture as a young player. You could just see the excitement!!

The first day I set up a “Technical Screening” I created 12 different stations on the field and I put the A players on the part of the field they see the most and I tried to put them with a drill that brought out their biggest strength.  Every kid got to meet and be coached directly by each player. They experienced a “Marta” drill a “Seger” drill, a “Vero” drill, etc. 

This camp was special the players got to see first hand the work it will take to be a professional player, to be a national team player… They got to hear what it takes mentally and they got to see it first hand from some of the best women’s soccer players in the world.  Hear it. See it. Do it!!

I have so many stories from this camp, so much I want to write.  There are so many little inspiring stories. My heart is going just thinking back on the week.  All I can say is that by the end of the camp you did not only see improvement in the players but what you saw was new role models, new inspirations and new dreams created. There are few words to describe it. It was beyond a success and one of the highlights in my coaching career so far!

I look back on my path. How I got here both as a player and as a coach.  I think back to my legendary 88% and I take a deep breath and smile thinking about running this camp, becoming a partner with TikiTaka, playing with Tyreso DFF, and getting the chance to train with the A team; Tyreso FF.  I am surrounded by this vision, this Tyreso vision, this TikiTaka vision, my vision.