"Risk Being Seen" Jim Carrey

“Risk being seen” What does it mean to “Risk being seen?”  What does it mean to let someone in or to share your story?  Everyone has a story. Everyone has a past that makes them into who they are today.  I am always interested in people. I genially like to hear where people have been, what they have seen, where they want to go. I like “seeing” people. 

Me, myself in some ways I “Risk Being Seen” in other ways I hide.  I don’t want people to know my past, or see my weaknesses. In that way I don’t want to be “seen” In this blog you are going to “see” a different side. If you don’t want to see, stop reading. 

One day I will write a book.  I have given out many sneak peaks of my story and shared different parts with very few people, even in this blog.  (88% will always be special to me)

We did a fitness test today with Djurgarden.  They wanted to test our VO2 Max.  This test consists of an athlete running on a treadmill with a mask on that is attached to the computer. You are breathing into the mask while running as long as you can while the computer keeps track of and measures all your levels.

 When I heard about the test I looked around and to everyone else it is just another fitness test but to me it freaked me out.  I have done this test before… I never thought I would do it again…

When I was 10 I got sick. I coughed for two years straight, I had a fire in my throat, a stabbing pain in my stomach and lost a lot of weight and my lungs were damaged. No one could figure it out to say the least.  

I was sent to Boston Children’s hospital and the nightmare began. I was put through similar tests but then things started to change in Boston. I was being treated really differently…

 I remember my Dad would leave the room to shower and right when he left six or seven doctors would come in turn off the only thing that was helping me breath and antagonize me.  I would start coughing when they turned the machine off and couldn’t answer but they just kept asking questions and would not let me answer.  My dad would come in and then they would back away and say “She is coming along” I was to weak to say anything and pass out from complete exhaustion.

They started sending me out of they room so they could just talk to my parents; I would be alone in the waiting room.  My cough sounded so bad that even if it was a packed room everyone would get up and move as far away as possible from me.

They started sending me to psychiatrists, asking me if my parents were telling me to cough and asking if they were feeding me, asking me if I was faking it… They did not believe me!!! They thought it was in my head!!  How could I fake this??  I tried and tried to stop myself from coughing but it never stopped.  I would imagined in my head that the pain in my chest and stomach to go away. I just wanted it all to go away but it never did.  Every psychiatrist said the same thing to the Boston doctors “its physical not mental” but they just keep sending me to more.  

The treadmill test (VO2 max) was one I had some nightmares about after.  There are things I have blocked out but occasionally it will come back. I was 11 at this point. I could not breath as it was and I was attached to this mask and was forced to run.  They were yelling. I can’t remember what they were yelling, all I remember is I was in so much pain and I collapsed. I asked my mom today what happened when I collapsed and I was rushed to receive a treatment.

So much has happened…

I was seriously contemplating not taking this test today but I really thought about it and I told myself I am going to face my fear of this and break free from it. I want to take this head on.  I stepped up, and when the mask was put on me I felt all the muscles in my body tense but then as I started running I thought to myself I can do this. I am not going to let this get the best of me.  I did really well and when I jumped off and collapsed in the chair it was like this giant weight lifted and I really conquered something.  I looked at the machine and thought I did it! I beat it!

On the subway to the test I was shaking.  Again I am good at hiding in front of people.  This whole thing may seem small and stupid but it was a big thing for me today. No one knew this fear of mine but I figured if I was going to do it, it’s nice having your teammates there. The ones that were there did not know how much support they were…

I hide sometimes. I don’t want to be weak, cause commotion, drag anyone down but I am human. I say things I shouldn’t and make mistakes but that is how you learn.  All I know is now I am done hiding. 

Here is just another piece of my past…

I have been restrained. I have been electrocuted. I have been tied down. I have tried to punch a doctor. I have been outnumbered. I have been forcefully locked up in this glass box. I have collapsed on the treadmill.  I have been gassed.  I have stopped breathing. I have had tubes and all sorts of needles forcefully inserted all over my body. I have been stabbed 11 times throughout 3 surgeries. You would think I have been in a war…

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After the surgeries I was on my way to recovery but I would wake up with my heart racing, night sweats and even screaming.. I go into a doctors office and a hospital and I am terrified, my heart races, and its like I can see myself back where I was especially if I am there alone.   One time a doctor came at me with a small tube that was just for Oxygen in my nose and I nearly hit him. I don’t trust anyone in the medical field besides one doctor.

I got help for this a long time ago but it comes back every once in a great while. I had a flashback recently actually… Melanie my little sister was visiting and I jumped out of bed. She jumps up to and asked what was wrong.  I didn’t know what to tell her so I just said “I have a dream” and she said, ”Ok Martin Luther King go back to sleep.” I thought that was funny and it helped me.

After doing this test today I realized how strong I am and can be.  I ask the players I coach “How strong are you really?” I know you have a lot more. How far can you go? What will you learn about yourself today?  You are capable of so much more than you think.

Today, to most people this test was just another fitness test but TODAY for me was a day I looked at something that has terrified me and I faced it. I beat it!  The past is in the past but it has also made me who I am. I did it!! I can breath! I am strong! I have this fire! I have beaten this!! This is me.  Now I have an opportunity to not hide anymore but to “Risk being seen” and LIVE!!!