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 People are always asking about "my story." They always ask "Why do you play the game?" This was an essay question I got in a coaching class at Florida Southern last year.  I was recently contacted by a reporter in my hometown wanting to write about my story and how I got to Finland.  Here is what I wrote for my essay (with a few additions) and here is what I sent the reporter in an e-mail. This is the link to what the reporter wrote. http://gazettenet.com/2011/08/10/039soccer-saved-my-life039



The question is what does soccer mean to me.  The real question should be what doesn't soccer mean to me?  It is the reason I was in school, it has given me a job, it has created my longest lasting relationships and allowed me to go to places that I never thought I could.  I am playing professionally and when I am done playing I am going to create my own soccer club and give back what was given to me.  Soccer is just a game, but to me it is so much more.  Why do I play the game?  The first thing that pops into my head when I hear this question is a conversation I had with my doctor last summer.  Very few people have ever asked me this question but to know why I play you have to know my story.  One day I am going to write a book about my experiences but here is a sneak peak.

Where do I start? I guess I can start at birth.  The first thing in my incubator was a soccer ball.  I was premature; only four pounds and spent the beginning of my life in NICU with a poor prognosis.  I had four exchange transfusions at birth and survived.  Even back then I knew how to fight.

I started playing when I was in kindergarten; my dad was my first coach.  I played in Easthampton, Southampton and for Hampshire United.  Those days I had no worries; I was just another happy go lucky kid without a care in the world. When I was in fourth grade I became extremely ill; I lost a lot of weight fast, my throat was on fire, I had a non-stop cough and I was in constant excruciating pain.  No doctor could figure out what was wrong.  I went from not having a care in the world to being thankful if I woke up the next day.  My prognosis was always low.  Two years later Dr. Paul Salva figured out I had aspiration reflux; every time I ate, the food would come back up and go into my lungs.  Dr. Salva is the reason I am still here right now.  He told me that my case kept him up at night; many people gave up on me but he never did.  I had to have surgey right away; it was a success but there were a ton of side effects from all the testing and previous treatments.  I was 47 pounds in sixth grade, my lungs were damaged, I developed severe asthma, I had osteoporosis and I do not have tonsils anymore because of the stomach acid coming up. At half times of games I would have to take a nebulizer treatments and there were countless emergency room trips.  When I got a cold it was always 10x worse because my lungs were so bad; one time I did not know I had the flu; it went straight to my lungs and I stopped breathing at a tournament in Virginia.  The doctors told me that I was very lucky to be here today; I can not tell you how many times I have heard that statement.  I know I have an extra lobe of lung on my right side and I think that has helped me survive as much as I have.  I missed almost two years of school; I did all my work in the hospital and never had to stay back.  I hated being sick and I just wanted to be was a normal kid

I started to play soccer again.  Many doctors said I probably will never make it very far in any sport but I played anyway and began to love it.  I would practice everyday, it got my mind off of everything that had happened.  I would push through any pain that I had.  There were times where I would play in horrible conditions and literally collapse on the field.  I try very hard not to show my pain; most of the time no one knows if i'm hurting  I have learned to ignore all the different pains.  So many doctors have told me you are lucky to be here and you will never play full on soccer again.  I refused to listen and kept playing and dreamt of playing in college, and professionally; I could see it.  There were a tons of doubters.  So many coaches, teachers and doctors told me it will never happen and that my dreams are silly.  I should just be happy to go to school.  I refused to believe anyone.

In 7th grade I made Junior Varsity at Hampshire Regional and started playing club soccer for Sunfoot.  Chris Monterio was the coach.  I was playing two age groups up but then in eighth grade my surgery came undone... I went downhill fast.  The coughing came back, the fire in my throat came back, all the pain came back and I dropped down to 67 pounds.  I had the surgery again and started to get stronger. The summer of my eighth grade year I went to Soccerplus camps at Williston Northampton school. I had been going to the same camp since I was 12.  It is an incredible camp with a great culture.  I met Tony Dicicco; the US women's national team coach from 96-99.  He recruited me to his club team and told me all my dreams were more than possible and he was going to help me get there.  At first I did not think I could play for his club because club soccer can be a lot of money that my family did not have; Tony gave me a job and a scholarship to play for him. 
 
The surgery came undone again in tenth grade. The symptoms came back and I had to get it again.  I missed at least two months of school every year.  Every time I had to have the surgery it was longer and I was in more pain.  The last surgery was over 10 hours. I need the surgery to live. Every time the surgeon talked to me he would say things like we did it just in time.   I hated being sick; I just wanted to be was a normal kid.  I was worried Tony would not want me on his team after finding out I had to have surgery again, but he kept me on his team.  Tony and the whole Soccerplus staff were always so supportive and were willing to do anything to help me  reach my goals.



I started to get strong again and I started to get noticed by the top soccer colleges in the country; I could not believe something this great was happening to me.  I went from not thinking I would not make it to the next day to having so many colleges knocking at my door. I decided to go to Florida. Because of everything I had been through, my lungs were damaged and I did not do well in the cold.  There were many times where I was only functioning and playing with only 40% of my lungs.  Dr. Salva wrote us a prescriptions to leave Mass and go to Florida many times; I did better in the humidity. I choose to go to Florida Southern and my lungs started to heal.  I got off almost all of my medicine and it felt so good to be able to breath all year long.

At Florida Southern I have my best memories on and off the field.  The girls on my team became my family and are some of the greatest people that I have ever met.  At the time I have never felt so close to a group of people.  On January 6th, the start of the spring my Freshman year I experienced one of the worst things that I think could ever happen...I lost a teammate.  We had twins on my team there names were Melissa and Meghan Kelly.  They were driving to school and a semi ran a red light and hit them head on.  Melissa survived but Meghan passed away. One day you wake up and everything is fine..  The next your world is turned upside down.  My team and I were devastated; I cant even explain the sadness I felt.  I felt like there was a hole in my heart and I began to question a lot.. I asked "why?" Why did I survive my illness but she did not make it? I began to feel selfish for thinking about my past. I was barley hanging on, what makes me so special?  Soccer is just a game.  I would give up everything to have her back. I was depressed for a long time.  My team stuck together and we pulled through together as one team and one family.  The next year I was awarded the scholarship in her name...  I had a hard time excepting it but I am so honored that the family choose me..Im speechless.  The Kelly family is so strong and I am so grateful for the time that I had with Meghan.  I try to give it my all every day and am so grateful for everything that I have. I play for something greater than myself everyday.  I know life is too short.  I always play outside of my comfort zone.  On the field I feel like the field is my stage and its my time to perform.  

I played for Chris Bart Williams for Soccerplus CT in the WPSL; the semi pro league. Two summers ago Chris met with me and told me he wanted to send me out to Boston to play for the Aztecs last summer. I would have the opportunity to train with the Breakers there and it would get me ready for the league when I graduate.  He told me I am meant to play this game.  I could not believe it.  Last  summer I lived the dream; my team was all college prospects and I got invited to train with the Breakers.  It was incredible but that was the least of my excitement.  In the middle of the summer I went to my pulmonologist for a usual lung check up.  He did a lung function test on me as always.  I waited in the waiting room; he came in and flipped way back in my chart and said "you know I used to be happy when your lungs were at 48 percent.  Two years ago you were at 68 percent, last year you were at 76 percent which is good but not great... This year you are at 88 percent."  He said I never thought I would ever see your lungs this good.  It is truly a miracle and he got up and gave me a hug.  I was driving to Boston after that appointment; thinking about everything and I started to cry.  My lungs are at 88 percent and I am on my way to make my dream happen.  I don't know which news I was happier about.  I was more excited about 88 percent than training with the Breakers.  I have worked for everything that I have.  I gained all the muscle I have back, my bones are strong and my lungs are at a B+. My doctor told me that he thinks that the only reason I have lived through everything is because I kept playing.  Soccer basically saved my life.  Playing made me strong!!

After my last college season.  I got a text from my Boston Aztec coach Dushawne Simpson asking me if I was interested in going to play professionally in Finland.  I said, "Why not?" I began talking with coaches from a few different countries, I talked with Tony and I thought playing in Finland would be a perfect starting place for me.  I signed with GBK.  I graduated from Florida southern May 1st and I left on a plane for Finland May 3rd. So far it has been an amazing experience.  My team is really clicking and bonding; we are having a great season.  I am living the dream. I went from not knowing If I was going to see another day to chasing my dream.  Who would of thought? I'm just a small town kid from southampton Massachusetts.  There is nothing better than knowing that you are waking up every morning and getting paid to put on your soccer cleats and kick around a ball.  It is hard to me to think of my job as a "job." I'm enjoying every second.  

Many People said I was too small and that my dreams were to big. Tony wrote me a quote in an e-mail one time that has always stuck with me "toughness is not measured in size...but the size of ones heart."  I have probably failed more than I succeeded and been cut from more teams than I have made, but the success I have had and the teams I have made have been greater than anything I have ever expected.  I have always seen a reason for everything that has happened in my life and I would not change anything.    

I always had a dream.  No matter who tells you its silly or trys to put you down you should never give up.  There will always be doubters, but the doubters just make it more fun to prove everyone wrong.  I have never talked about my illness and my experiences before. I recently started to tell people at the end of my college career. Very few people really know the details about my past.  The people that do know are the ones I trust the most.  I do not like to talk about my experiences because I was afraid that people would look down on me; think I was weak, treat me differently and not let me play. Now I hope that this will help someone else and one day I will write a book about all of my experiences.  It doesn't matter what I have been through but all I know is that I know who I am. I know that nothing will stop me achieving my dreams.  I was worried that asthma and reflux defined me.  I did not want people to think that is who I am; I did not want to be the "sick" girl.  That is not my definition anymore.  I remember waking up everyday just happy to be alive; to be able to see one more day.  Now I can breath!  Its hard to explain but taking a taking a deep breath is one of my favorite things to do.

 I train everyday pushing myself so hard because to me I knew that everyday was special. I feel like an oddball at times but  I never knew if it would be my last. I feel like the odds will always be against you but Life is to short to hold back. Try new things; dare to dream.  Being outside in the yard by myself practicing  was the only thing that made me feel good; it got my mind off of everything that had happened.  No matter how much pain I am in, it is the one place that puts my mind at ease.  It was my getaway. The question is why do I play the game? I play because it gets my mind off of anything bad that has ever happened; it is mentally cleansing.  I always feel good after I play.  I train everyday because I want to be the one to make the difference when it counts the most.  I want to make everyone on the field look good and be the go to player. My contract ends mid October.. I don't know where I will be after the season or what will happen but all I know is that I am in the right place right now and what ever happens is meant to happen. I have already beaten the odds by just living now I have the opportunity to do something special.